SOME KIND OF JOKE * max

L

istening to people talk was the last thing ben wanted to be doing. the longer he sat there, the more restless he was. all he could focus on was his pain. at first it had been a dull ache, but it soon radiated into piercing pain, and ben was finding it difficult to breathe. he didn't care about the looks that were occasionally being shot his way, or the glare max had on him. agreeing to training had been a mistake, but it was something he couldn't avoid. ben didn't even notice the smirk she gave him and usually, he would have been the first to shoot a sarcastic comment at their leader. they had just switched topics when the flashbacks started. there had been little sleep and the low voices lulled him into a dream-like state. each time he blinked, there were brief flashes of the war or the infected. his mind had been in a state of war for so long that the battles were all starting to blend together. it was becoming very difficult to separate truth from what his mind had created.

while ben tried to stave off his pain by telling himself it was only in his mind, it didn't help any. he had intently focused his attention on the pattern of the table, trying to keep his eyes open. the chattering buzz of conversation in the background had all but faded from his thought. for a while, ben didn't even so much as shift from his position. the only sign he was alive was the slight shivering that was only noticeable to the people closest to him. while he was sweating, ben felt like he was freezing. at one point, he came close to standing up and excusing him. there really was nothing max could do to him that compared to how he felt at the time. the only thing that seemed to bring him back was the mention of strategy, specifically stupid strategy. after staying still for so long, ben suddenly shifted, leaning heavily on the arm of the chair. he glanced up, spitting out his opinion.

the silence that fell almost made ben regret his decision to speak up. luckily for him, max wasn't going to argue with him on this one. ben sighed softly, closing his eyes once max began to speak. he was only hoping that he was going to be able to force himself onto the scouting mission. it would give him the opportunity to look for the drugs he needed. now that ben was paying more attention than before, he immediately snapped his head up to stare in confusion at the mention of training. max dismissed them before ben could process what had happened. "wait, what?" ben glanced around, trying to figure out why everyone wasn't as surprised as he was. however, if anyone has heard them, they chose to ignore ben's question. chairs scraped the floor as people started filing out, more eager to beat the lines to the cafeteria than answer their second-in-command.

ben could only watch as everyone else, leaving him alone in the room with max. by then, ben had resigned to accepting that he was going to have to show up for training. he sighed, leaning back in his chair. it had been a while since ben had been hungry and his stomach was churning too much for him to even try and eat. there was still time to spare though and ben figured it would give him enough to find something to keep the withdrawal symptoms at bay. just as he was getting ready to push his chair out, max's voice stopped him. ben snorted at her words, looking up at her. "like hell you will," he retorted. "if i die, i'm staying dead. not even you could bring me back." with that, he shoved himself away from the table and stood up. leaving the chair where it was, ben turned to walk out. "thanks for the concern, though," he scoffed as he left the room.

typically, ben would have loved to stay and exchange words with max, but the pain in his leg was slowly become unbearable. it took all he had not to limp out of the room. ignoring everyone in his way, ben pushed his way outside. the second he rounded the corner of the building, a wave of naseau hit him hard. ben doubled over, one hand gripping his left thigh as he emptied the contents of his stomach. he couldn't remember the last time he had ate. the stomach acid burned the back of his throat and left an unpleasant taste in his mouth. wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, ben forced himself to stand up straight. the only thing ben could think about was where he could get the drugs. there were very few people on grim's with that kind of connection, but luckily he knew where to look. without another thought, ben spat in the grass and made his way towards the medic sector.

there was a special place in hell for people that did exactly what ben was about to do. it felt like ben was betraying kenzie for breaking in, but he didn't want her to know or see him in this state. even with his mind racing, some of ben's training managed to stay intact. he somehow limped over to the medicine cabinet without drawing any attention. wiping the sweat from his brow, ben muttered as he read the names of the medications. he almost let out a soft cry when he found what he needed. without hesitation, he grabbed the bottle and shook out a pill. it took a great deal of restraint to limit himself to just one. before he could second guess himself, ben threw the bottle back in the cabinet and dry-swallowed the pill. the sound of a door opening caught ben's attention and he darted for the exit. while he only felt like he was gone for a few minutes, ben was approaching on being late for training.

as he limped back, ben pulled out the pack of smokes from his pocket. with a shaking hand, he raised a cigarette to his lips and managed to light it. the effects of the drugs had yet to kick in, but the nicotine would have to be enough to hold him over. by the time he reached the training room, the cigarette had already run it's course. ben watched the light burn down to the very edge of the filter. with a deep breath, he closed his eyes and put the cigarette out under his heel. sighing heavily, he walked into the room. while he was the last one there, ben wasn't technically late. taking his spot next to max, he did his best to keep himself composed. the pain, while still prominent, was starting to dull. "so what are we doing today, cardigan?" with a slight smirk, he glanced up at her. "hopefully it'll be more engaging than that meeting."

T

here was something about the pain that made ben want to make everyone around him just as miserable. he told himself that he had control of his drug problem, but ben really didn't. the drugs were controlling his life and with the world the way it was, his habit was getting harder to maintain. ben honestly hadn't meant to snap at max like that, but the words were coming out of his mouth before he could register it. if there was one person on the island that ben truly cared about, it was max. she was the reason he was alive and kept him from going on some suicidal mission to prove himself. ben had never been one with words and he would never tell max how much he cared for her, but ben did so in his own way. even if it did make him come off as a complete asshole.

he should have apologized, but the word 'sorry' wasn't part of ben's vocabulary. then again, sarcasm wasn't exactly the way to do apologize either. ben could practically feel her glare burrowing into him, but he was far too smug to care. max did a fairly good job of wiping that smirk off his face though. no sooner had she spoken, ben turned slightly, ready to fire another sarcastic comment. honestly, ben shouldn't have expected anything different. it was his fault for not preparing himself. with his arms crossed, he didn't even have time to react or break his fall. one moment he was standing up and the next he was falling backwards. of course, it was his luck to be standing at the edge of the mats. unable to uncross his arms in time, ben met the floor with his head. there was a dull thud as his skull bounced off the concrete. with a groan, ben gripped his head, trying to bite back the wave of nausea that accompanied the sudden dizziness.

even with the ringing echoing in his head, ben could hear the sudden silence in the room. max was pissed and ben knew it. the embarrassment of being taken out like that left a bitter taste in his mouth. everyone knew it was a sign of disrespect not to offer a hand, but out of fear for max, no one was willing to help him up. ben clenched his jaw tightly to keep himself from saying anything. instead, he pushed himself off the ground and took his place with everyone else. while he was supposed to be helping with training, ben found himself too distracted. he spent most of the time tracking max with his eyes, ignoring whomever he supposed to be sparing with. the first guy he was partnered with charged at him, with a brief glance, ben stepped to the side, and grabbed the man, flipping him over. the entire time, he was focused on max. "try to keep your feet on the ground, next time," he muttered.

with his attention distracted, it was taking him longer to put his opponents to the ground, but he needed to vent. ben was being unnecessarily rough with his trainees. it wasn't long before the rotations brought him to max. this is what ben had been waiting for. by now, the effects of the one painkiller he'd downed earlier was starting to wear off, but ben was trying his best to shove the pain to the back of his thoughts. "how about a demonstration, cardigan? they don't seem to know what they're doing." taking a basic defensive position, much like a boxer, ben held his fists out in front of him. he arched an eyebrow, clearly questioning her authority. "let's see what you can do," he smirked, taking an easy swing at her. it wasn't meant to hit her, merely provoke.